With the football season swiftly approaching and football in the air, it is time for that annual rite of intrepid foolhardiness, predicting the results of 16 games months in advance, with no knowledge of future injuries, development of players, decline of others, suspensions, lucky bounces, etc., etc. But fear not; all that stuff is irrelevant. Herewith, the definitive guide to how the Jets' season is 100% guaranteed to go. And if it doesn't go this way, it was obviously the result of an NFL conspiracy.
Let's get to it.
Week 1: Jets vs. Bengals. Bengals are fierce predators, perhaps the fiercest of all land predators other than grizzlies and polar bears. Jets have to fear Bengals. But come on, I mean a Jumbo Jet weighs like a million pounds or something.* (Actual weight = 975,000 pounds, but who's counting?). A Bengal doesn't even weigh a thousand pounds; they only tip the scales at about 500 pounds. How is a Bengal going to maul a Jet? That's like a shrew mauling a diplocodus, if, you know, shrews and diplocodii shared a time stream. Bottom line: 1 million pounds crushes 500 pounds. Jets 1,000,000, Bengals 500.
Week 2 and Week 17: Jets vs. Bills. What's a Bill? It's a guy who once bore more than his share of responsibility for nearly wiping the noble American bison from the face of the planet. The way I see it Bill has gotta be pretty guilt ridden about that. Plus, Bill's been dead for like a hundred years or something.* (Actually only 99 years and 7 months, but who's counting?). So awesome Jumbo Jets vs. guilt ridden corpses. No contest here. Jets 99, Bills 0. In both games.
Week 3, Jets at Chiefs: Well, this looks like a tough matchup. Chiefs are Native Americans. Native Americans own casinos. Casinos generate lots of profits. Chiefs can use those profits to buy Jets. Hence, Chiefs own Jets. Chiefs Triple 7s aka 21, Jets snake eyes aka 2.
Week 4: Jets vs. Seahawks. No contest here. Jets can fly like 600 miles per hour or something.* (Actually 614 MPH, but who's counting?) Seahawks top out at about 30 miles per hour. You can't beat what you can't catch. Jets 614, Seahawks 30.
Week 5: Jets at Steelers. I think a Steeler is short for steelworker. Steelers are obviously big and tough, but what isn't commonly known is that they can also be very sly. You would think, as tough as Steelers are, they still wouldn't match up well with Jets, but that's where their slyness comes in. Jets are made of steel. Steelers make steel. Steelers are clearly in a position to sabotage Jets by making contaminated, really weak steel for the Jets. Steelers crush weakened Jets. Steelers 50, Jets 7.
Week 6: Jets at Cardinals. Come on. Who thought this matchup was a good idea? Cardinals are pretty little scarlet birds that eat nuts and berries. Jets are monstrous steel flying machines that suck Cardinals into their engines and disintegrate them. How many nuts and berries would a Cardinal need to eat to match up with a Jet? Answer: 7,534, 681. Jets destroy Cardinals. Jets 7,534,681, Cardinals 3.
Week 7: Jets vs. Ravens. You would think the same argument that applies to Cardinals would also apply to Ravens, right? Well, maybe not. Ravens have that spooky Edgar Allen Poe supernatural stuff going on. Jets no match for Edgar Allen Poe. Quoth the Ravens, never more. Ravens 1191809, Jets 0.
Week 8: Jets at Browns. What's a Brown? Near as I can figure, it's a UPS truck. Mad respect for UPS. How would we ever get all those Amazon packages we all order delivered without UPS trucks? Ah, but there's the rub. Amazon is rolling out their own transportation and logistics network, using its own, you guessed it, Jets. Jets rub out Browns. What can Browns do for us? Be ground into dust. All they are is dust in the wind. Especially in Kansas. Jets 1977, Browns 3 day delivery.
Weeks 9 and 15: Jets vs. Dolphins. This one's a tough one to figure. Jets are air and land creatures. Dolphins are mammals. They're also fish. They apparently have multiple personalities. But both the mammal and the fish Dolphins can't survive outside of water. Definitely not on land or in the air. I mean, have you ever seen a flying Dolphin? What genius in the NFL offices thought it was a great idea to have these two meet twice a year? Still, the way I see it, the Jets dominate the ground game and the air attack. That leaves the Dolphins fleeing to the water for safety. Jets 1969, Dolphins 72, both games.
Week 10: Jets vs. Rams. Tough game. Rams are tough, no doubt about it. They have fearsome horns, and they don't mind banging heads a whit. In fact, they can do so over and over and over without ever suffering a concussion. That puts the Jets at a disadvantage. Jets suffer a rash of concussions in this one, Rams overcome dozens of penalties for leading with the head. Rams 13, Jets 10.
Weeks 12 and 16: Jets vs. Patriots. No contest here. Patriots are without a doubt to be respected, almost revered. They forged a new country. They established a democratic republic in a world of autocrats. They wrote an awesome constitution. They wore cool powdered wigs. Whigs With Wigs, the original WWW. But Patriots never saw the likes of Jets. When faced with the inconceivable spectre of a monstrous metal flying canister, for goodness sakes, they would have to cower in fear, muttering to themselves, what sorcery is this? Jets suspend Patriots' disbelief. Patriots deflated, twice. Jets 1776, Patriots 12.
Week 13: Jets vs. Colts. Colts are baby horses. Horses can run like the wind. But wind rarely goes more than 40 miles per hour or so. Jets go 600+ miles per hour. Jets flog baby horses; ASPCA investigates. Jets 600, Colts 40.
Week 14: Jets at 49ers. 49ers were sad people. They got to California in late 1849, a year after gold was discovered at Sutter's Mill. By the time they got there they were too late. Most of the easy gold to be found by prospecting had already been found. The rest of the gold was in large mining operations. 49ers couldn't compete with large mining operations. So they drank a lot and pined for their families back home and wasted the best years of their lives chasing after a pipe dream. Poor sad 49ers. 49ers are too drunk and too sad to compete with gleaming Jets. Plus 49ers all have been dead for like a hundred years or something. Sad drunk penniless corpses lose to Jets flying high over California. Jets 2016, 49ers 1849.
That does it. The exact results of the entire 2016 Jets schedule revealed. Final Jets record: 12-4. Super Bowl here we come. I just hope we don't end up playing the Saints. They could unleash holy havoc on the game.