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NY Jets: Geno vs Fitz: The Final Word

In which we gain a completely original perspective of heart breaking genius on the bad QB wars.

Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports

In an effort to cut through the endless, redundant and boring debates about which mediocre-to-bad quarterback the Jets should be starting, I have sifted through the entirety of the evidence, distilled it all into a blindingly brilliant analysis of the precise factors which must go into such a decision, and in a selfless act of benevolence towards my fellow Gang Green Nation members, I herewith share with all of you a monumental work of heartbreaking genius which should and therefore will end for all time the heretofore incessantly mind numbing Jets quarterback debates.

To wit, it’s so simple. All we have to do is divine from what we know of the two quarterbacks. Is Geno Smith the sort of quarterback who would poison his own team's chances for victory, or his opponent's? Now, a clever man would choose Ryan Fitzpatrick, because he would know that only a great fool would choose a quarterback who turns the ball over on a whim. But we are not great fools, so we can clearly not choose Geno. But our opponents must have known we are not great fools; they would have counted on it, so we clearly cannot choose Fitzpatrick.

Well, that finishes it then, doesn't it?  Not remotely!  Because Fitzpatrick comes from Harvard, as everyone knows. And Harvard is a place entirely peopled with geeks. And geeks are used to having athletes crush them, as Geno crushed Fitzpatrick in training camp. So we can clearly not choose Fitzpatrick.   Ah, Harvard!!  But of course we should have known that Geno comes from West Virginia.  And West Virginia is a place peopled entirely of coal miners.  And coal miners never see the light of day, and therefore lack the vision to be quarterback.  So we can clearly not choose Geno.

Fitzpatrick played for Chan before, and Chan is our offensive coordinator, so we can clearly not choose Geno.  Yet Chan worked with Fitzpatrick, yet chose Geno as the starter in training camp, so we can clearly not choose Fitzpatrick.

Geno's beaten the Patriots, which means he's a giant slayer. So, we might trust Geno's ability to defeat elite teams and arch rivals to save us. So we can clearly not choose Fitzpatrick. On the other hand, Geno has been beaten like a drum in some of the worst performances known to man, so we clearly cannot choose Geno.  Fitzpatrick bested Luck himself, which means he must be lucky, and since we'd rather be lucky than good, we clearly must choose Fitzpatrick. On the other hand, Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, and while there he must have studied. And in studying, he must have learned that Luck is fickle and no man can count on always having the best of Luck, so we can clearly not choose Fitzpatrick.

What's that?  You think I'm just stalling?  Look over there!  Is that Aaron Rodgers?  No?  No matter.  Let's choose then.  We choose... Fitzpatrick.

[Opponents]: You chose poorly.

Ha!  You only think we chose poorly! That's what's so funny!  You fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders.  The most famous is never root for the Jets if you want to win a Super Bowl.   But only slightly less well known is never  choose a Jets quarterback when the season is on the line.  Ah ha! Ah hahahahaha!

[Opponents]  And to think, all that time it was Geno who was the bad quarterback.

Ha!  They are both bad quarterbacks.  As Jets fans we have spent a lifetime working up an immunity to bad quarterbacks.