J-Nasty's mostly serious Full 1st round + Jets Mock Draft

With free agency buzz starting to die down, it's time to turn back to the crown jewel of the NFL off-season; the draft.  I'm unveiling my first mock draft of the year.  I decided to have a little fun with it, however.  So I'm going to disclaim this: The blurbs I just did for fun, but the picks are in fact my true projections.  So without further ado, here's J-Nasty's first mock draft for 2014.

Mock Draft:

1.    HOU: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina

Simply put, the best player in the class.  Dude puts the freak in freaking ridiculous.  Or something like that.

2.    STL: Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

Talent, athleticism, upside gives him the edge over the rest of the OT class.  Also, somewhat resembles a ram.

3.    JAX: Blake Bortles, QB, UCF

Henne is not the answer to anything except the question "What crappy QB did the Dolphins draft from UM in 2008?"  Bortles has the talent and the girlfriend made for staying in Florida.

4.    CLE: Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson

Explosive threat to pair with elite WR Josh Gordon.  Possible doobie brother to pair with elite stoner Josh Gordon off the field as well.

5.    OAK: Khalil Mack, DE/OLB, Buffalo

The Raiders add the rangy and explosive Mack and hope not to ruin his career.  The experts say Mack is the safest pick in the class.  The Raiders say challenge accepted.

6.    ATL: Jake Matthews, OT, TAMU

Matt Ryan has the WRs in place, now the Falcons need to straighten out the line in front of him.  This assuming they don’t give up 8 picks to move up to #2 for Greg Robinson, Julio-style.

7.    TB: Mike Evans, WR, TAMU

The Bucs pair Vincent Jackson with his clone in Mike Evans to make the league’s tallest and probably least agile WR corps.

8.    MIN: Johnny Manziel, QB, TAMU

A&M gets their 3rd straight pick off the board as the Vikings grab the talented though very punchable Johnny Football.

9.    BUF: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan
Perhaps the NFL’s least relevant team attempts to make moreso by adding this boatload of crazy.  I hope Wilkerson is prepared to be called "Tom".

10.    DET: Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama

The man known as HaHa slides into Louis Delmas’s vacated spot on the back end.  Since their secondary is a joke, adding a guy named HaHa is only fitting.

11.    TEN: Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA

On a defense full of no name players, Anthony Barr gives the Titans a guy who, well, has a name.  It’s Anthony Barr.  It’s Barr-ific.  Sorry, that’s the best I got. 

12.    NYG: Eric Ebron, TE, UNC

The Giants will take Ebron here methinks because right now I think they are just short of making me their starting TE.

13.    STL: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville

The Rams fortune their way into the draft’s best QB in the middle of the first.  Seriously, how in the heck is this guy falling?  Pro Day?  Are you kidding me?  I hate GMs.

14.    CHI: Aaron Donald, DT, Pitt

The Bears defense traveled the same path as the Undertaker: Once incredibly feared, now just really old and saggy.  The Bears take 290 pound Aaron Donald, who instantly becomes the second fastest player on the defense. 

15.    PIT: Justin Gilbert, CB, OK State

After watching Ike Taylor go from "perpetually overrated but starting quality CB" to "on-field embarrassment", the Steelers plug in Gilbert to take over as the new sheriff in Overrated CB Town.

16.    DAL: Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville

After running some guy named Church out there at S all year, the Cowboys bite their bottom lip and grab Pryor, who can make a bunch of highlight reel hits on receivers that Dallas corners allowed to catch the ball.

17.    BAL: CJ Mosely, LB, Alabama

Baltimore scores a big coup, finding the heir apparent to Ray Lewis as the team’s "Designated Yeller" in the Bama kid.

18.    NYJ: Odell Beckham Jr., WR, LSU

With the signing of Eric Decker, the Jets receivers now rank slightly above "who are those guys?", a source of much consternation for Jets fans who want to see their young QB surrounded by better talent.  In the speedy and talented Beckham, the Jets add a much-coveted "weapon" for Geno Smith to miss.

19.    MIA: Zach Martin, OL, Notre Dame

After losing a significant amount of offensive linemen to the whole "Richie’s Playhouse" ordeal, the Dolphins draft the versatile Zach Martin who they hope won’t be susceptible to being called names.

20.    ARI: Dee Ford, DE/OLB, Auburn

I honestly feel bad for the Cardinals.  It appears no matter what they do, they’re destined not to go anywhere.  Hopefully adding the athletic film-watcher Dee Ford will make their season somewhat interesting.  Ford has the best technique in the draft.  Just ask him.

21.    GB: Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State

The Packers just seemingly gave Sam Shields a blank check to be ok, so imagine how much Dennard could get paid to be effing awesome?  Perhaps he can steal a DPoTY award from a more deserving candidate like the last great Packer CB.

22.    PHI: Jason Verrett, CB, TCU

Chip Kelly may pout that Verrett isn’t a new offensive toy, but c’mon Chip.  You’re supposed to be innovative, right?  There’s this new-fangled thing they do nowadays called "defense".

23.    KC: Morgan Moses, OT, Virginia

There’s something about offensive linemen and Andy Reid that goes together like peanut butter and marshmallow.  Which I heard is also Andy’s favorite sandwich.  Possibly Morgan’s as well. 

24.    CIN: Marqise Lee, WR, USC

Perpetual Marvin is back for his 40th season with the Bengals after another failed attempt to win a playoff game.  The Bengals have wunderkind AJ Green out wide, but while Sanu and Marvin Jones are nice, above average players, neither of them PERSONIFY above average like Marqise Lee does.

25.    SD: Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech

Although you may not know it from their 29th ranked pass D, the Chargers actually do need a cornerback.  Fuller is well-versed in Bud Foster’s "stand 10 yards off the ball and make sure no one runs past you" system.  Which is certainly better than San Diego’s current "don’t cover anyone and hope QBs just throw the ball to you" system.

26.    CLE: Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State

After forgoing a QB at the top of the draft, the Browns get lucky that Carr falls to them here.  Or, unlucky, because he’s related to David Carr and it’s the friggin Browns.  It’s all about perspective, ladies and gentlemen.

27.    NO: Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State

After losing Darren Sproles and Lance Moore, the Saints have a gigantic void in their offense that the speedy Brandin Cooks can only hope to fill.  Ah, who am I kidding, the Saints have the opening in the starting line up and an opportunity to troll the NFL, not to mention the Panthers who pick next.

28.    CAR: Kelvin Benjamin, WR, Florida State

After watching Cooks go 1 pick earlier, the Panthers switch gears from really fast little guy to kinda slow big guy.  But they basically need to because their starting receivers right now are Jerricho Cotchery and Jerry the King Lawler or something like that.

29.    NE: RaShede Hageman, DT, Minnesota

While we don’t know what’s going to happen with Vince Wilfork, we do know that Bill Belichick likes to take unpopular picks and throw them up there on his draft board like he’s a boss that gives no craps.  I think the raw but athletic Hageman will either turn into a total bust or a dominant force, but I know Belichick is going to go about his biz regardless.

30.    SF: Timmy Jernigan, DL, Florida State

A veritable steal for the Niners at this point in the draft, the Niners get a new rookie who’s probably not going to get on the field much until his 3rd season.

31.    DEN: Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio State

Denver managed to pull off an astounding feat, becoming the off-season champs after nearly becoming the actual champs.  They signed Talib who seems to have traded his guns for injuries, but they still need more at cornerback.  Roby has the athletic upside to be a great corner in 4 years when his rookie contract is about to end.

32.    SEA: Jace Amaro, TE, Texas Tech

A team to truly be envious of, they have the luxury to really go do whatever they want to.  The Seahawks mostly ignored the TE position with Zach Miller there, but with a 6-5 260 pound dude running somewhat fast across the field, they can only kinda ignore the TE position.

Rest of the Jets picks:

2nd round (49): Austin Seferian-Jenkins, TE, Washington

-Big beast TE with fluidity and athleticism

3rd round (80): Keith McGill, CB, Utah

-Tall, rangy, athletic and explosive corner with enough speed to hang.

4th round (104): Dri Archer, OW, Kent State

-No set position at this point but fast, can be moved around the field.

4th round (115): Cyril Richardson, OG, Baylor

- A slow plodding type, but a mauler who is worth a shot in the 4th round.

4th round (137): James Gayle, DE/OLB, Virginia Tech

- Undersized as a defensive end but a fitting transition to OLB.  Great athlete.

5th round (154): Logan Thomas, QB, Virginia Tech

- Big arm, athleticism make for an intriguing developmental prospect.

6th round (195): Storm Johnson, RB, UCF

- Smart, natural runner who runs hard though lacks standout ability

6th round (209): JC Copeland, FB, LSU

- Mammoth of a man with surprising feet could add some beef to the backfield.

6th round (210): AC Leonard, TE,  Tennessee State

- Former Florida recruit led all TEs in the 40 yard dash at the Combine.

6th round (213): Aaron Lynch, DE/OLB, USF

- Freakish athlete with a questionable motor, but a good piece of wood.

7th round (233): Jonathan Dowling, S,  Western Kentucky

- Another former Gator who is long, rangy and athletic.  Potential steal.

Comments welcome!