The New York Jets: A Passover Story

Happy Passover GGN! With my grandma’s (surprisingly good) matzo ball soup currently wrecking havoc with my intestines I figured now is the perfect time to drop some alternate reality hypothesizing on the Jets. The Jets perpetual ineptitude ever since the Super Bowl III win over the Colts has given credence to the theory that Joe Namath made a deal with the Devil ensuring that the Jets would never win again during his lifetime, once they beat the Colts on that fateful day in Miami. Bear with me now, because this ties in to Passover.

Just like the Israelites were held captive in Egypt the Jets are currently held captive in football hell by Football Pharaoh. God has seen the four decades of suffering that the Jets and their fans have gone through, and he has decided that enough is enough. One week after the Jets season ending loss against Miami God came down and spoke to Rex Ryan at his home in Summit, NJ, this is what happened…

Rex (Eating Cheetos and Watching Football Follies)-“God is that you?”

God- “Yes Rex. I saw what happened in Miami, and frankly, I have decided that your Shepard’s have suffered enough. We need to send a message to football Pharaoh that this team must be freed from captivity.”

Rex- “Yes but how? I tried ground and pound, I tried to let Sanchez throw, nothing works.”

God-“Rest assured, I have chosen you. To get Pharaoh’s attention I have decided that Tim Tebow will soon join the Jets.”

Rex-“Really? Wow we could use that. Thanks God.

With this taken care of Rex suddenly falls into a Cheeto induced coma. He then comes face to face with Football Pharaoh, who is overseeing hundreds of Jets Coaches Club PSL holders as they toil away in a field below his throne.

Rex-"Pharaoh, I demand that you release the Jets from captivity!”

FP-“I will not. I made a deal with Namath!”


Rex roars this. The PSL season ticket holders stop working, but Football Pharaoh still refuses to give in. Rex returns to God, dejected.

Rex-“How will we free ourselves?”

God-“Here you go Rex. I have sent ten plagues down on Football Pharaoh and the rest of the football world. These will take place during the 2012-2013 season. The Jets will be free to lift the Lombardi once again.”

Rex awakened from his stupor. He looked down at the floor, littered with Cheetos. Suddenly, a small booklet appeared under the pile of chips. Rex bent down and picked it up. This is what was in the booklet.

The 10 Plagues Sent To Free The Jets

  1. New England gets dealt the Super Bowl Hangover.
  2. Wayne Hunter is cast upon the Baltimore Ravens.
  3. Hundreds of feet of snow entomb Pittsburgh. The Steelers cease operations.
  4. Footballs in Denver fail to have any gravitational resistance. Any pass Peyton Manning throws sails into orbit around Earth, and cannot be throw to a wide receiver.
  5. Matt Kalil is stricken with debilitating boils before the draft. No team drafts him until the Jets do. Then his boils magically disappear, and the Jets have a great offensive line.
  6. Mario Williams remembers he has to live in Buffalo, immediately quits football.
  7. The visor Ray Lewis wears during games traps him in perpetual darkness. He is unable to play.
  8. Bountygate strikes down upon the Patriots. This, combined with their Super Bowl hangover, means they miss the Playoffs.
  9. Miami drafts Marvin Jones, WR from Cal, with their first round pick.
  10. Every team the Jets lost to last year is struck down by God, doomed to failure in the 2012-2013 season.

Rex finishes reading the list. Then he goes back to God, where he offers a reaction.

“Thanks God,” he said “I think that with Sanchez, and a new contract extension for Keller, we are already the best team in the NFL. I believe we are going to win the Super Bowl. We are a bunch of gym rats and we have what it takes. We don’t need the ten plagues, but thanks anyway!”

God immediately goes on GGN and goes crazy.

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