After months of negotiations, the New York Jets have finally managed to deal Darrelle Revis, arguably the best defensive player in the game. It would not be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, however, as another organization has swooped in at the last minute to claim him - a surprise team, at least to those who haven't been paying attention.
"Well, we traded him to the offense," head coach Rex Ryan said on a conference call very early this morning. "It came to me in a dream," he added. "I was lying in bed, on my Baconator stupor, staring at my Rich Kotite portrait, and I guess it inspired me."
"We are New York," said Woody Johnson. "We are not going to be bullied by Tampa Bay." Privately, the Jets owner refers to them as Tampax Bay, according to a source familiar to the situation who wished to remain anonymous because he is not allowed to comment on non-Johnson & Johnson products.
As far as his contract, both the team and the agents believe that they can now finally work something out. "Look," said Johnson, "he wanted to be the highest paid player in the NFL, and that just wasn't going to happen because he's a defensive player." Or at least, he was. "We finally see eye-to-eye," said Revis' agent,
Schwartzing Finesod Schwartz and Feinsod. "Now that he's on the offense, it's no longer a problem. They can pay him as much as he wants now."
"And the best part is," added Johnson, "even after we make a new deal and he doesn't work out on offense, we'll just trade him back to defense. And it won't affect the cap at all at that point."
New Jets offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg believes it will be a success. "Mark Sanchez is very good at throwing to cornerbacks," he said.
Johnson thinks that he can be a valuable offensive player. "We finally have our spy on J.J. Watt," he said. When some beat writers pointed out that the Jets don't play the Houston Texans this season, Johnson snapped back, "I'm thinking of the playoffs!"
"Didn't you already try this last year with Antonio Cromartie?" asked ESPN New York's Rich Cimini, who was shaking his head and rolling his eyes during the whole conference. "How did that work out for ya?"
"In fairness to Cromartie," answered Ryan, "that would have been Revis playing on offense last year if not for his injury. Revis will give us a better chance to win this year." So who is taking Darrelle's place on defense? "I don't know," said Ryan. "Joe McKnight? Remember that one play when he almost touched Joe Flacco? That was him, right?"
New Jets GM John Idzik could not be reached for comment.
*EDITOR'S NOTE: Story checks out. -John B.