If you've never heard of Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl, you've been missing out on the single greatest sporting event in the United States of America's long line of athletic traditions. Forget the Super Bowl, the Rose Bowl, the Masters, the Triple Crown, or even the MLS Cup. This is the modern day clash of gladiators vying for the title of America's greatest athletes.

The event takes place from 3-5pm EST on Animal Planet. As with other professional and totally legitimate sporting events, there is a referee and play-by-play announcer. Furthermore, Meep The Bird, a parrot, will live-tweet the event.

The 2013 Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet will include, of course, 35 puppies in addition to hedgehog cheerleaders, the super-slow Cute Cam, a puppy hot tub for the athletes to rest their sore muscles and a kitty halftime show.

There will also be a hamster-piloted blimp to enhance coverage of the event.

Top five prospects to watch:

• Name: Aurora
• Breed(s): Siberian Husky/Retriever mix
• Sex: Female
• Age: 10 weeks
• Fun Fact: Loves to play, play, play and she loves toys.
• Position: Wide Retriever

• Name: Shadow
• Breed(s): Catahoula/Labrador Retriever mix
• Sex: Male
• Age: 9 weeks
• Fun Fact: He is a really soft super snuggler.
• Position: Defensive Tackle

• Name: Fitz
• Breed(s): Catahoula mix
• Sex: Male
• Age: 10 weeks
• Fun Fact: Loves to pull his brother’s tail.
• Position: Free Safety

• Name: Trinka
• Breed(s): Schnauzer/Beagle mix
• Sex: Female
• Age: 10 weeks
• Fun Fact: Loves sleeping in hotel room beds.
• Position: Inside Linebacker

• Name: Chestnut
• Breed(s): Labrador Retriever/Australian Shepherd Mix mix
• Sex: Male
• Age: 9 weeks
• Fun Fact: Loves to play and snuggle.
• Position: Quarterback

Notes:

• According to an insider source with knowledge of the situation, it's rumored that Trinka has been experimenting with Kitty Furball Spray, an illegal performance enhancing drug banned by Animal Planet.
• It's being reported that several of the puppies involved are from the same litter. Can you imagine, siblings on opposing teams?
• Fitz has acknowledged that he will be retiring after the game. During his entrance, he will perform his patented "wet dog shake" dance until he is excessively dry.
• Aurora has proclaimed that she is the "greatest puppy to ever play the game." This came as a great shock to many who consider former star Aberdeen to be the greatest of all time, as you can see here. For what it's worth, Aberdeen commented, "Put my paws up against her paws," and the superiority would be obvious.

MVP Prediction: Chestnut