A Guide to Offseason Teamspeak

The offseason brings with it a special kind of spin. From the draft right through training camp, teams get the word out about just how special their guys are. Listening to this teamspeak, it's often difficult to understand how one's favorite team ever avoids going 16-0. So I thought I'd share an offseason Teamspeak to English translation guide with you.

The Draft

About our 1st round pick - Teamspeak: We had our guy (picked at 10; 17; 25; fill in the blank) rated #1 on the board. Not just #1 of the guys left; #1 overall. We think we got the best player in this year's draft.

Translation: We think we got a good player. We think he fills a need.

3rd round pick - Teamspeak: We had him at a first round grade. If we hadn't taken X in the first round, this would have been our pick. We think we got the steal of the draft.

Translation: We think we got a good player. We think he fills a need.

5th round pick - Teamspeak: We had him at a second round grade. We can't believe he fell to us. We think he's going to start for us sooner rather than later.

Translation: We hope we got an OK player. We hope he makes the team.

7th round pick: We think this young man has a real future in the NFL. He may not come from a “name” school or have been invited to the Combine, but believe me, this kid can play. He's gonna surprise some people. You're gonna like what you see.

Translation: We have no idea who this is. Not a clue. He's kinda big. We hope he shows up.

Undrafted Free Agents - Teamspeak: We absolutely love this class. Most of these guys should have been drafted. I guarantee you we'll be getting some future starters from this bunch of guys.

Translation: These guys are bodies. Warm bodies. Probably good tackling dummies. If any of them makes it past the first preseason game it'll be a miracle. But its kinda fun watching 2 guys out there with the same #, isn't it?


Teamspeak: Jim Highdraftchoice struggled a bit out there. His head's swimming. We're throwing so much at him, hoping some of it sticks. Once he settles down and starts to think less and just play, he'll be fine. This guy's gonna be a player!

Translation: Oh God, please God No! Please don't let him be another Gholston/Leaf/Russell/Bosworth. Please, oh please, I'll sacrifice my first child, just please don't let THAT happen.

Teamspeak: Joe Middraftchoice really shined out there. He looks a little like another Ed Reed/Tom Brady/Ray Lewis/ Adrian Peterson out there!

Translation: Joe was pretty good. Not bad at all really.

Teamspeak: John Lowdraftchoice is looking like a steal. So and so (the starter) better watch out, there's some real competition out there.

Translation: Well whataya know, John doesn't suck after all. I guess sometimes you just get lucky. And So and So starter, well, he's really beginning to suck. I wonder how much cap space it'll cost to cut him?

Teamspeak: George UDFA has a place in this league. I'm telling you, he's tearing it up out there.

Translation: What's his name, George? Yeah, George. I like his attitude. Can't play a lick, but I like him. I wonder if we can find a place in our front office for him?

Training Camp:

Teamspeak: This team looks great! We're really establishing a new tempo out there. Joe Topplayerwetradedfor looks like a steal. Two days in and he's already got the playbook down and looks like he was born in our system. John TopFAsigning just looks faster than anyone else out there. Man can he fly! Fred Biggerthanlastyear looks like he put on 30 pounds of pure muscle! He's manhandling the competition! Eric Smallerthanlastyear really came into camp in the best shape of his life! Those 20 pounds he took off made him two steps faster without losing an ounce of strength! And Andre Reclamationproject, boy, he's really opening eyes! We're really coaching him up, and you can see he's loving it. I know he had some problems at X other team, but for us he's just been outstanding! He's gonna have a monster year! Shawn FourthWR is really stepping it up – we're starting to wonder if he is starting material. Jason Recoveringfrominjury is coming along slowly, but he's right where we expected and we fully expect to see him back at full strength when the games count. And Derek 1strounderfrom2yearsago is really coming on now. We know he struggled as a rookie, but now you're really starting to see why we were so high on him in the first place. This is shaping up to be a great year!

Translation: If we work at it, we might actually get some g#ddamned plays off before the play clock expires. Joe is a moron – I doubt he'll ever pick up the new system. John runs as fast as he can every play. Never really where he should be, but he does it FAST. Fred's definitely on PEDs. Hope he doesn't get caught. Eric is smaller but no faster, and now he can't shed blocks. End of the line for him? No wonder Andre had problems. We're really trying here, but the man is simply uncoachable. I wonder if we talk Shawn up enough we can dupe some other GM into trading us a draft choice for him? Jason will never play football again. Derek was the biggest mistake this organization ever made. I hope that POS doesn't cost us all our jobs. We must have been high when we took him in the first place. This is shaping up to be a monster headache. I hope our elite (QB) (RB) (Defense) (Pass Rush) [Pick one] can make up for these nightmares. If not it's gonna be a long year.

Fan's take:

Wow! I mean, just wow! Everything seems to be falling into place! New coach Y is SOOOO much better than departed schmuck Z. Our top draft picks all look like superstars! Even dud #1 pick from last year finally seems to be getting it. When you add in the ridiculous talent of our UDFA's (how did those guys NOT get drafted LOL?), our amazing FA pickups, and how much all our young guys are going to improve, plus a FULL OFFSEASON where we can coach these guys up, man we're gonna be scary! I can see it now! 14-2 minimum, SB champs, outside chance of 16-0. Never mind that this franchise has never won more than 11 games in it's history, that's history, baby! I can FEEL it, we're gonna be SICK!

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