1. Mark Sanchez: Passing Yards: 3,837 Passing Touchdowns: 33 Interceptions: 10 Rushing Touchdowns: 5
Sanchez, with renewed motivation and a new offensive coordinator (that designs an offense around his strengths), responds well to the "pressure" of Tebow, and posts his best season yet. At the end of this season, Sanchez will be a Top 10 Quarterback in the league. The Sanchez-Tebow Quarterback Controversy takes an unexpected turn, as Sanchez decides to celebrate by "Tebowing" after every touchdown.
2. Shonn Greene: Rushing Yards: 1,284 Rushing Touchdowns: 9
Shonn Greene will rush for more than 1,000 yards for the second straight season. Opposing defenses won't be able to stack the box, because we will actually use play action, and throw passes deeper than 5 yards, especially on 3rd & 6. Greene will thrive because of this.
3. Tim Tebow: Passing Touchdowns: 2 Rushing Touchdowns: 5
Tim Tebow will throw 2 touchdowns out of the Wildcat, both to Stephen Hill, who is able to break free downfield with a majority of the defense keying in on Tebow. He will also rush for 5 touchdowns on the year, 2 from outside the redzone, and 3 from within. A new season award will be implemented by the NFL for the MVBQB (Most Valuable Backup Quarterback) and Tim Tebow will win it unanimously.
4. Santonio Holmes: Receiving Yards: 1,080 Receiving Touchdowns: 12
Santonio Holmes thrives from having the threat of Stephen Hill across the field from him, and returns to his 2010 form, in which he was very clutch for us. He will be one of the most well-behaved players on the team, as he goes to counseling once a week. His counsellor? None other than Keshawyn Johnson. However, drama breaks out as Wayne Hunter almost confronts Holmes after Holmes celebrates after a first down by dropping the ball, and pointing, before the play is actually over...leading to a fumble recovered for a touchdown.
5. Vlad Ducasse: Starting Left Guard (Depending on whether or not Jeff Otah is healthy)
If Jeff Otah trade does not go through because of health, then Ducasse wins Left Guard position in camp, as Slauson takes over for Wayne Hunter at Right Tackle. If Jeff Otah is healthy, then Slauson stays at Left Guard, and Otah takes over for Wayne Hunter at Right Tackle. Either way, Deguglielmo gets shot dead in office.
6. Kendrick Ellis: Tackles: 52 Sacks: 7 Heads Ripped Off: >50
Kendrick Ellis becomes the beast that we all expected he would be. James Harrison thanks Ellis for successfully getting Goodell off his back by being more beastly than him.
7. Darrelle Revis: Interceptions: 5 Passes Defensed: 35 Receivers Shut Down: Every single one he covers.
Darrelle Revis has a better season than his 2009 season, with help of an improved pass rush. Also, he is playing for a big contract, which probably also motivates him. Darrelle Revis helps solidify his position among the best corners to ever play the game, and Manhattan officially gets renamed Revis Island because of it.
8. Antonio Cromartie: Interceptions: 7 Passes Defensed: 14 Tackles: 0 Receiving Touchdowns: 10 Return Touchdowns: 3
Antonio Cromartie fails to make a tackle, as he’s more scared than ever. Rex Ryan stay s true to his word, and throws in Antonio Cromartie at receiver, and Cromartie thrives, scoring 10 touchdowns. Due to playing an excessive amount of positions and having trouble remembering that he is no longer on the Chargers (he had trouble remembering his children’s names), during the Chargers game, Cromartie shies away from tackling Shonn Greene, leading to a big touchdown run. The refs call 12th man on the field for the Chargers defense. Norv Turner cries. Rex Ryan laughs. Never has Cromartie been so helpful.
9. Rex Ryan:
Rex Ryan wins Coach of the Year, and wins the “America’s Biggest Loser” competition, after bottoming out at an amazing 180 pounds. This is ironic, because Rex is actually one of “America’s Biggest Winners” after leading the Jets to their first Superbowl win since Superbowl III. Fans and media alike get a treat when Rex cries during the post-game interview after their Superbowl win.
10. Rich Cimini (and the media in general):
Even after the Jets win the Superbowl, in the following offseason, Rich Cimini (and the rest of the media) still decide to hate on the Jets, saying they are nothing but a circus and a joke of a team. Just like this kind of talk motivates the Jets this season, it will motivate them in the 2014 season as well, leading to a second straight Superbowl win. This can effectively dethrone the Patriots as kings of the AFC east, as we win 2 straight Superbowls. The Patriots also become bottom-dwellers after these two seasons, as Tom Brady retires, and Bill Belichick gets caught cheating. Again.