I know plenty of you guys have at least once, had the desire to play football for the Jets. I think it would be very cool to catch, throw, or run for a touchdown...as long as no one hits me. The problem is, most of us on GGN are probably either not good enough, big enough, fast enough, or strong enough to be a starter in the NFL. None of us would be able to become a "Star" player, let alone even play. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be given the chance to try. Who knows, maybe one of us could succeed. In order to play for the Jets, we would need the brass to believe in us, and be supportive of our endeavors. However, that might be a very hard thing to do. Or is it? Lets take a look.
Here's how to become a starter for the New York Jets:
Step 1: Tell Woody Johnson that having you on the team would be a financially savvy move.
How do you convince Woody Johnson to sign you? We all know that he is big on making moves that will make the team money, and keep the Jets on the back pages (See Brett Favre, Tim Tebow). Tell Woody Johnson for that every touchdown you make, you will do a touchdown celebration that includes ALOT of baby powder. It may cost you a couple of thousand dollars in fines from Roger Goodell, but who cares? It's a win-win situation! You won't see the endzone nearly enough to equal or exceed your Vet's minimum salary, and Woody would be getting free promotion for his family company, Johnson & Johnson. In the unlikely event that this doesn't work, you can promise Woody that he can use your baby in a commercial similar to this:
Having a baby changes everything - "Sink" (via JNJhealth)
Step 2: Tell Rex Ryan that despite being small in size, that you have very big feet.
We all know by now that Rex has a fetish for feet. There's probably nothing that Rex would want more than to have someone on his team with big feet. If this is not enough to win over Rex, you can even go a little farther, and tell him that you would be willing to engage in some roleplay regarding your feet, much like he did with his wife. You can also give him permission to videotape it, and can put it up on the Jets website for sale. After hearing all of this, he should be more than willing to have you on the team. His likely reaction? Well none other than this:
This tactic would work, unless you've got small feet like Joey (from friends), in which case you're out of luck:
Friends - Joey's small feet.wmv (via pedr0777)
Step 3: Tell Woody, Tannenbaum, and Rex that although you do not excel at any one position, you are indeed a good football player.
I'm sure we've all been here. We play a pickup game of football, and you play positions ranging from QB, WR, CB etc. You may throw a couple of picks, drop passes, or give up the long touchdown, but none of that matters. The fact that you have experience playing multiple positions means that you are a good football player. I'm sure Woody, Tannenbaum, and Rex would be able to clearly see that. In matter of fact, the Jets just signed a "good football player" in Tim Tebow, so I am sure they would not be opposed to signing a couple of more.
Step 4: Tell Schotty that you would be okay with being the designated back for 3rd down...and long.
Now I know Schotty is not with the Jets anymore, but I just had to put this on here. If you convince Schotty that you would love to run the ball on 3rd and long, he would love you, because you would be the only one on the team in support of that plan. Also, if he knows that you are okay with being used only in that situation, he would realize that he has that opportunity to misutilize all of his offensive weapons as well as run when we should pass, or vice versa, which seems to be the staple of his masterful game plans.
Step 5: Tell Woody, Tannenbaum and Rex that you have been trained in dodgeball by Patches O'houlihan.
For those of you familiar with the movie Dodgeball, you know that the training given by Patches O'houlihan is very rigorous. It is a program that focuses on your honing your ability to dodge things, ranging from a ball, to a wrench, or even traffic. After completing this training program, you should be an expert dodger, dodging anything that comes your way. How does this relate to football? Well, It prepares you to be able to dodge the oncoming tacklers on the opposing team. The program may even give you the training necessary to be even better than the all time greats such as Emmitt Smith, Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Marshall Faulk, Barry Sanders, and yes, even our very own Curtis Martin. Plus, this training will prepare you for the pain and the intensity of the hits in the NFL. If Woody, Tannenbaum and Rex were smart, they would jump all over the chance to sign you. In case any of you are wondering, here are a few examples of this rigorous Dodgeball training program:
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball (via dallas9426)
If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball (via Hoelme4244)
So there you have it, if any of you are serious about playing for the Jets, this How-To-Guide should provide you with the knowledge necessary to make it on the team. People like us need to use unconventional methods in order to achieve this dream.
Would love feedback on what you guys think of these "How-To" posts :)
Step 1 (1 vote)
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Step 3 (6 votes)
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Step 5 (6 votes)
22 total votes