Dear Santa Claus (A.K.A Kris Kringle, Pere Noel, Julemanden, Babbo Natale, Father Christmas)
We realize we haven't always been the nicest of organizations, we like to run our mouths and taunt the opposition - we have a linebacker who's mouth writes cheques that his play can't cash! However deep down we are good people, hungry for a championship, something that has been denied us for far too long. So here we are, on this special night - asking you for a little help for 2013.
I understand that we can't be too greedy, but if we can please have at least 5 of these 10 items from our Christmas list, we would very much appreciate it.
1) A Capable Quarterback!
Mark Sanchez isn't the answer, he has proven that over the last four years - Tim Tebow is not the answer, he has shown that since being drafted and certainly being traded to the big apple. Greg McElroy isn't the answer either, he simply doesn't have the arm strength to complete all the NFL throws. If you could please provide us with a Quarterback who can read a defense, not get happy feet, and throw a tight accurate football - well that would be swell.
2) A New GM!
This may be the most important one, for it is the puppet master that makes his puppets fail. Mike has had a run with us, he made some good moves and he made some bad moves - however he has burned his candle here and now he must float into the distance. Please can you provide us with a GM who has a long term strategy in place as well as a commitment to win short term. A man who doesn't hand out dangerous guaranteed contracts, a man who places emphasis on scouting and building through the draft and intelligent FA signings.
3) A New Offensive Coordinator
I know you gave us one last year but we have outgrown them, just like those flairs you sent along last year. Tony and the Jets just don't go together. He hasn't done anything but limit us this year, if you need the figures for our offensive decline I can fax them to you immediately. Please can you provide us with a coordinator who knows when to throw and when to pass, who can scheme plays to exploit defenses and not bunch players into one area, a man who knows not to break the flow of the team when it is flowing by adding a pointless wildcat play.
4) A New Running Back
We certainly appreciate that Greene has come on over the course of the last 4-5 weeks, however we know it's a contract year and that numbers can be deceiving. I liked Greene at Iowa, and his bulldozer nature appealed to me. However can you please provide us with a back who is both elusive and physical, one who avoids contact and looks to get that extra yard, a player who can both run inside and outside and catch the football too. Someone will that extra burst too, much appreciated!
5) A Wide Receiver or Two
We don't want to be greedy on the offensive side of the ball, but unfortunately we need some serious help here. You see we are stuck with Santonio and I'm not sure how he is going to come back from injury, we have a project receiver who will need some reps and while I appreciate the sentimental value of Braylon Edwards, it may be time to reload this position for the future. Another physical outside presence would be nice, and if you want to add another slot receiver to work inside with Kerley, well that would be great!
6) A New RT Please
I'm not sure if you have an affinity for revolving doors, but first Wayne Hunter and then Austin Howard - I think you have had your joke. It would be great if you could finally provide us with a replacement for the reliable Damien Woody, he doesn't have to be a pro bowler but just someone who can keep our next QB clean. Someone who recognizes where the blitz is coming from, someone who can slide with the play and perhaps create some holes for that running back you're going to pop under our tree.
7) A New LG/RG combo?
We have some problems here Mr Sinta Klaas, you see we have a platoon at LG with Matt and Vlad and unfortunately this just isn't baseball so it doesn't work. The problem is - neither are very good at all. If that were not bad enough, but our reliable aging RG is also a free agent, so the interior line is looking rough going forward. Some believe Vlad is improving enough to warrant a starting place, unfortunately from what I have seen, he is still going to get beaten like a drum in pass protection.
8) Some Young OLB's?
See it's not all about the offense here, we want a little help on the other side of the ball as well. You see we have a couple of old men playing outside for us at the moment and with the speed of the 21st century NFL game, we are getting beaten pretty handily - they also no longer put pressure on the QB on a consistent basis. We thank you Bryan and Calvin for your service, and please make sure they have a lovely retirement home in Florida, however if you could provide some hungry, young, fast outside linebackers for the 2013 season, the whole fanbase would be appreciative.
9) Please Remove Bart From The Tri-State Area
When you popped Bart under the tree in 2009, we loved it. He was aggressive, he was brash and he backed up his mouth by popping some fools in the mouth - unfortunately the only thing he is popping at the moment is skittles. He is now verging on embarrassment, he is attacking fans and the media and he is getting run over by running backs at will - the less said about pass coverage the better. If you could kindly provide us with Manti Te'o or fast-track Demario Davis's progression, that would be great!
10) Safeties, Safeties, Safeties
Oh no! we are back to square one, those hired guns were well..........hired guns. Laron is being mean and won't give us a home town discount - I know he has only been here one year and we don't deserve a hometown discount but come on, have you read the list of needs up there, we need a break. So no starting FS or SS going into 2013, this is pretty scary Santa, so if could deliver us a smart, hard hitting safety with a nose for the ball and self control - well that would be great.