Having been granted psychic powers by the Great Tebow in the Sky for a day, I naturally turned my razor sharp insights to the fate of the 2013 NY Jets. I gazed into my crystal ball. OK, so it was a Magic 8 ball which I covered with pretty glitter to make it look like it might sorta kinda once have been something resembling a crystal ball. It's the lack of thought that counts.
The fate of Iran's nuclear program? Boring! Will the U.S. fall off the fiscal cliff and be plunged into the Great Recession of 2013? Snooze. Nope, this incredible gift of I guess I'll go second sight will be used for the only thing in this world that really matters - Jets football. If you disagree with that choice, well, YOUR AT A LOSE, and clearly you don't understand the top 3 main points of our problems. Anyway, if these predictions seem a bit off to you, well, Peace!! Comment and tell me what i did wrong!!
So, without further ado, I bring you the NY Jets absolutely, positively, swear to Tebow, foolproof top 10 main predictions for 2013.
1. Mike Tannenbaum will slyly dazzle Woody Johnson with this simple, unassailable logic: "Hey, Woody, if it ain't fixed, don't break it!". Suitably persuaded, Woody gives the entire front office and coaching staff 5 year extensions.
2. Following up on that logic, Matt Cavanaugh is given a promotion to assistant head coach.
3. 26 anonymous Jets players, speaking in a top secret Cone of Silence and completely off the record by tweeting it under the handle 26anonymousjetsplayers, then linking to each individual player's personal twitter account, blame all the top 3 main points of the Jets problems on practice squad Offensive Tackle Paul Cornick, reasoning that Cornick is terrible because he's a tackle, yet he never actually tackled anyone.
4. Attempting to fix the main points of the Jets anonymous leaks problems, Rex promptly calls the 26 anonymous players cowards, and threatens them by tweeting to each of their individual twitter accounts that if he ever finds out who they are, he'll stop telling the press that each and every one of them are the greatest players he's ever coached. He then puts an exclamation point on this harsh reaction by making an example of somebody, cutting practice squad tackle Paul Cornick. Suitably cowed, the 26 anonymous players each individually tweet that Rex is the top 3 main points of the Jets problems.
5. Seeking to create a truly open competition at QB, Rex announces that punter Robert Malone has been traded to the offense, in exchange for Vlad Ducasse, who Rex believes will make an excellent gunner on special teams. Further, Rex declares there will be an open competition for the starting QB job in training camp, and that Malone will enter camp #1 on the depth chart. Rex reasons that Malone is the only QB on the roster who actually advances the ball 40 yards before turning it over to the other team.
6. In conjunction with the Malone move, the Jets trade their 1st, 2nd and 3rd picks, plus 1st and 2nd round picks in 2014 in order to trade up to the #1 spot, which they use to grab a backup punter. The Jets crow about how he was the #1 guy on their board, because in their new Grunt and Punt attack, you can never have enough punters. They then use their remaining picks to trade back into the 3rd round, and use the pick on a backup long snapper.
7. In training camp the Jets create and install 2 completely new offenses. One, the Grunt and Punt, puts a premium on avoiding turnovers by taking 3 kneel downs on the first 3 plays of every series, then punting. The Jets declare they should be the instant favorites to win the Super Bowl, because they will never turn the ball over, and as everyone knows, whoever wins the turnover battle wins the game. Sparano writes a book detailing this new and innovative offensive philosophy, entitled "Offensive: An Astonishing New Approach To Victory - Punting It Away!" Nikolai sues Sparano for trademark infringement, claiming to have coined the phrase Victory(TM) . Sparano defends the lawsuit vigorously, claiming to be completely unfamiliar with the term.
8. The second new offense, cleverly code named BackupPunterCat, features the new backup punter. It is so top secret even the backup punter is never allowed to actually view the playbook. When asked why he is keeping the new offense so secret, Rex responds "Why would we reveal it and give our opponents an edge? No, we'll keep it to ourselves and NEVER unveil it. In fact, I don't even know if it actually exists. It might be a decoy that even fakes us out. Now think about it, if WE don't know what's coming, our opponents sure won't. It's genius, pure genius! I bet even Belichick and his 3 rings circus never thought of spending half your practice time on a nonexistent gameplan!" In followup questioning, Belichick confirms he indeed never spent half his practice time working on nothing.
9. On the coin flip preceding the opening game, Tebow calls heads, wins the toss, and proceeds to wildly gesticulate and pump his fists, thereby inspiring the entire team. Rex, in a sideline interview, declares he's never had a player so good at winning coin tosses as Tebow.
10. On the ensuing kickoff the Jets as usual choose to defer. In a history making moment, the Jets attempt to substitute in the fictional BackupPunterCat package prior to the kickoff. Mass confusion ensues, as none of the players have ever actually seen the package in use. The Jets are penalized for having 26 anonymous players on the field. They then are forced to use a timeout to regroup and discuss on the sidelines the team's top 3 main points of their problems. They conclude THEIR AT A LOSE.