Coming off a win, this article probably isn't going to be timed great. But hey, I've thought about doing it, and just got some free time so here it goes:
I'm no medical doctor. Nor do I study to be one. I'm closer to Dr. Nick Riviera than I am Doogie Howser. With any medical issue there is generally the disease or diagnosis (flu, strep, chicken pox), symptoms(cough, headache,upset stomach) and some type of a cure (bed rest, orange juice, and rest).
I'm going to attempt to take some of the issues the Jets have had and try to figure out what ails them. Join after the jump for what our problems really are. (These are purely for fun and written as if a doctor was listing the problems.)
Let's start at the top and work our way down:
Disease: Headline-defeicit disorder. Possible little brother syndrome.
Symptoms include: signing role players instead of fixing key issues. Signing on to Hard Knocks. And then trying to do it again, against the coaches mindset. Not letting the product speak for itself on the field, but in the headlines. Running the team like a business whose main goal is money, forgetting the fans and not headlines support the product.
Romney victory. (Couldn't resist, sorry! ) A super Bowl win would cure all ailments. That or a sudden dose of cold, hard reality.
Disease: Crushed Cap Number with a slight tear in the balance sheet.
Symptoms include: Over the hill defensive players with big cap numbers. Looming contract issues. Signing players to huge extensions with no way out next year. Not evaluating talent on talent alone, but on cap numbers. Leaving holes at positions. Not firing obvious coach issues. Holdouts with your best player. Draft day heartbreak and deliriousness. And of course the biggest symptom: Wayne Hunter starting at right tackle induced nausea.
Cures: At this point, euthanasia of job responsibilities could be a valid solution. However, let's try some other remedies before we say goodbye to our dear friend. Let's start with the cap, well considering he's a cap "genius" maybe let him try to operate. However, with any operation you must get a specialist to make sure you don't go overboard. So we need another operator with a doctorate in evaluating talent by his side (or to pull the plug). Also, keep away from Woody Johnson for relapses occur around him. Also, get him the contract and holdout handbook to prevent further relapses.
Disease: Foot in mouth disease.
Symptoms include: False hopes, AFC championship loses. 8-8 records. Getting ripped apart in media. Getting called a clown. Being in headlines for bad reasons. Having a loyal fanbase when things are good, and losing them when things are bad. Having players want to join you. Losing pulse of the team.
Cures: Winning. Winning will cure it all. Except of course the foot in mouth disease, but it gets rid of the symptoms. Possible home remedies: getting him a snack. But not just any snack. Only a god-damn snack will suffice.
Disease: Unknown (possible inconsistanitus, with an acute Brian Shotty disease.
Symptoms: Tim Tebow sightings. Poorly thrown balls. lack of faith of fanbase and receivers. Possible Draft bust status. Getting booed during intros. Tipped passes at line. Poor screen passes. Great games followed by horrible games. Confusion amongst pundits, coaches and fans as to whether symptoms will ever go away.
Cures: Well we know that a new OC wasn't a cure. Neither was working out in the offseason. Hell if anyone knows, I'm sure the Jets would love to hear it. (We'll just call it unknown)
Disease: 2ndandlong syndrome
Symptoms include: Two yard runs. Getting stuffed at the line. Pressure on the pass game. Wildcat induced reversal of field position. Going a year in between long runs.
Disease: Missing run stopapge, Revis Island injury-revenge.
Symptoms: 200 yard running games for opposing offenses. Inability to get off field. Loss of possession time. a 3-3 record. Not being able to cut off half the field.
Cures: Getting younger and healthy. That and the return of Revis Island related happiness.
Well, that's about all the diseases I could come up with that ail our team. I'm sure there's more, but I feel like Dr. House today, I'll spend most of the time on these diseases only to find the real disease at the end which hopefully leads to a cure of a Super Bowl or death. Either way, there is a lot that certainly is curable and some stuff that is not so curable (Rex Ryan's disease for instance). Either way it has been fun playing Dr.
And to quote the best doctor of all time: Good bye Ev'rybody!