Good evening everyone, I am Noble_Lance. Tonight as the strike has reached gone over 3 months, we turn to our teams for hope, comfort... and the chance that maybe, maybe there is something good on the horizon. A season, a trade, anything to give the sad masses waiting for the season to begin as they gather together in family rooms across the nation and watch a bunch of big sweaty men tackle one another while cursing at a television. Yes, without the NFL no one would know the grossly disgusting cost of a $11 cheese steak washed down with two $5 beers, while buying an overpriced mock jersey only to throw it away the next week when that player went down with a season ending injury. But now it is time for the news from several of the teams.
*Disclaimer in case the opening wasn't clear, this is meant to be a joke, this is meant to be funny, and above all to be a joke. In no way shape or form is this actual news, or meant to be anything more than humor no matter the situation implied. If people find this awful and offensive please let me know and I will take it down. Thank you.*
Larry Fitzgerald today checked himself into a rehab clinic after looking at the Cardinals Depth Chart and finding that the top Quarterback was a scarecrow attached to a pitching machine. When reporters questioned team officials about the change, an anonymous source stated, "It couldn't be any worse than what we had last year." Though team officials wanted to speak to Fitzgerald they were unable to but it is assumed he will recover once they get a better QB.
Carolina Panther's Cam Newton, was assaulted early this morning at a team workout where he was treated for minor bruises and cuts. Police were dispatched to the field only to find his attacker, former Panther's starting Quarterback Jimmy Clausen in the fetal position holding the weapon in question. He was clearly in a state of shock as he kept repeating the words, "Bradford" and "Newton" it is believed he suffered a nervous breakdown after being replaced due largely to his awful rookie season.
We move now to Massachusetts were a 4-1 decision annulled all same sex marriages in the state. Despite reports of Mass's most prominent lesbian couple New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady and partner Giselle Bundchen were there speaking out against the bill before it went to vote. The couple has been together for several years and adopted two children and are expected to move to a state were they can be accepted.
Chad Johnson is reportedly setting himself a new challenge. The flashy wide receiver has decided for his latest stunt to swim the distance from New York City to the shores of Spain opting to decide on the return swim to start on the shores of England and swim to the Gulf of Mexico. No word on whether Mike Brown has approved this, though he was spotted buying a yacht and a spear gun at a marina in the Hamptons.
A man in Wisconsin was arrested outside Lambeau Field during the Super Bowl Ring Ceremony, for disturbing the peace after getting a group of people to start a chant. We have audio from the scene and you can listen to it. (*Audio clip and visuals* show a small group of protesters wanting at a gated entrance. A chant breaks out as one group screams Fudge, and immediately after Packers is yelled. This goes on for a minute before security breaks up the group with the chant breaking off but still being screamed in smaller numbers.) The man is currently being held without bail in a local jail, no word on if any of the other protesters were arrested as well.
Rex Ryan shocked the nation today when he announced Greg McElroy would not only be the starter for the Jets, but also that the Jets would not win the Super Bowl this year. It was reported that after reading his own book for the first time that he became self-concise of his actions and needed to think with his head rather than his mouth. This story while shocking on its own right ultimately masked another Jets story. We take to Florida where Kenrick Ellis was brought it for questioning after officials believed that he was defrauding the Draft and manipulating his value to better be suited for the Jets. This was after discovering that he set up an account on SB Nation's Gang Green Nation. Ellis spent two years under the assumed name Crackback establishing his credibility amongst the bloggers, before finally promoting himself to the Jets fans, it was this group that sparked Mike Tannenbaum to have scouts examine the Nose Tackle further. Ellis will be under investigation to determine if anything illegal has transpired. We will keep you update with this story as it develops.
Julio Jones, late this evening fell down a flight of stairs and broke his leg, the promising rookie for the Atlanta Falcons was one of the biggest draft day trades after the Falcons gave up everything and the kitchen sink to have him on the roster. A local boy by the name of Nelson rode through an interview screaming "HA HA" before riding away on a bicycle.
Plaxxco Burress is at it again, this time shooting his mouth off after being challenged that he couldn't both walk the walk and talk the talk. After going through his old routes he proceeded to talk the talk, making his points by dropping his bag on the field, however inside the bag was a gun which accidental discharged and shot himself in the foot. He was placed in custody once again in the same cell that once housed him.
We have a breaking story, that Kenny Britt of the Tennessee Titans has once again been arrested in New Jersey, and on a related but not surprising note the Jersey Shore is still a terrible show, no surprises all around with this story.
Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri raised a million dollars over this weekend for a battered spouses shelter. How did he raise money you ask? Well he went into neighborhoods with abusive spouses and proceeded to auction off a kick between the legs with a harder kick for more money. The auction committee allowed testimonial evidence of past deeds to further aid in driving up the prices. The name of the program has been dubbed by onlooking children "Mr. Clutch kicks Crotch" will be a yearly event providing there are enough idiots needing to be kicked.
It is being reported that the Rooney family, after years of owning and managing the Steelers with dignity and class has sold the team to LA. In a shocking turn of events the once proud family has decided to buy several strip clubs, in order to bring high class naked fun to the city of Pittsburgh. In a related story Big Ben as he now known has quit football to follow the Rooney family becoming the first GM of Rooney's new strip club The Velvet Curtain where he will have an open couch policy to all women in need.
Tony Romo has declared that he has done nothing of merit at a press conference this afternoon.
Buffalo fans will have a surprise for them during the next season as Ralph Wilson Stadium will be installing seat warmers into their chairs. The warmers however will be in odd streaks that will warm the butts of fans. When asked why they went with this low cost option, Buddy Nix claimed "The fans are entitled to at least experience one hot streak this season even if the team doesn't have one."
The Chargers are going to in a surprising change of pace as they switch to a ground and pound approach after rumored talks with Tiki Barber surfaced recently. The talks in question were mere days before the lockout, which has allowed Barber to get ready for the season should he be able to sign a contract in time to be the starting running back.
Now a word from our sponsors:
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*Ray Lewis speaks* "I don't always drink soda, but when I do I prefer Dr. Pepper. Keep Tackling friends"
Welcome back once again, I'm Noble_Lance and this is your nightly news.
Brett Farve has come out of retirement again and rumored to play again for the Vikings proving once and for all that not only the Packers, the Bears, the Lions, Mother Nature and now the Vikings FO are sure that they want the team to fail miserably.
Finally to end the night Roger Goddell has issued a challenge to the fans of NFL. If enough people sign a petition calling for his resignation he will bow gracefully and tell the fans to go to hell as he has ensured his position of power with a new contract to be the Commissioner until 2047 with an option at 2020 to be named Supreme Overload of the National Football League.
On behave of the one man studio I say thank you all for watching and good night.