HATE WEEK! PITTSBURGH STILLERS

(Over at the SBN Penn State blog, Black Shoe Diaries, we used to run this feature called HATE WEEK, a semi-tongue-in-cheek preview of that particular week's opponent. Being that a victory on Sunday would be the biggest Jets win in my 23-year-old existence, I figured this would be a good time to bust it out. I hope I do the originals justice. Enjoy!)

 It’s one of the best Mondays ever for Jets fans around the world, fresh off of sweet, sweet redemption against the Belicheats. We’re now headed into the AFC Championship game for the second year in a row, making Rex Ryan 2-2 in that department. He’s 0-1 getting beyond this step, though, and standing between him and the Jets’ first trip to a Super Bowl since Broadway Joe—the Pittsburgh Steelers. They bring with them a whole new slew of things to HATE HATE HATE as we gird our loins for Sunday’s showdown. Let’s begin.

The Breakdown:

 WHO

Steely McBeam and the guys… hard at work.

Source: Steelers PR Department

 WHO: The Pittsburgh Steelers, or Stillers if you’re from the Pittsburgh area and have that distinctive speech impediment accent. Finishing the season at 12-4 and fresh off a come-from-behind (pause) win over the Ravens, their only regular-season blemishes came to the aforementioned Ravens, the Saints, the TEAM NAME REDACTED, and our beloved Jets—all playoff teams. Ask any Stillers fan about that loss, though, and you’ll be cut off by something sounding like "YINZ LUCKY THAT TROY WAS OUT THAT’S THE ONLY REASON YOU WON HERE WE GO STILLERS HERE WE GO." I didn’t know he played special teams, too.

 WHAT

I.. well…Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

Source: Roethlisberger family catacombs

WHAT: The Jets’ road record against the Stillers—that’d be a whopping 1-15 all-time. The overall record isn’t much better, standing at 4-15. But why do I bring this up as particularly HATE-able? The only Jets win @ ShPittsburgh was this season. Like all things HATE, it needs to be fresh, so let’s HATE HATE HATE while we can and start a little streak of our own. Ben’s got some parties to be attending in Georgia, but there will be no taped record at any of the clubs. Conveniently. Mysteriously. So let’s do him a favor and send him home early this winter.

 What else? Sixburgh. Quite possibly the most obnoxious alternate name for any city ever. Why, yes, we do think we’re better than everyone else. And it’s certainly not a compensation mechanism because our city is pretty much rotting from the inside out. The number 6 is also divisible by 3, and when you put 3 sixes together, you can only be left with the conclusion that the actual city name is Beelzeburgh. Speaking of Beelzeburgh…

 WHERE

ENJOY: BEATIFUL PITTSBURGH!

Source: Pittsburgh Tourism Commission

WHERE: The Capital of the Rust Belt, scenic, clean, safe Pittsburgh. I mention these outstanding qualities of the ‘Burgh, because none of them are true. Not one. Well, the Rust Belt thing is pretty true. Seriously, I need to wash my hands just thinking about that city. Let me just go over to the river ba-

-OH DEAR GOD WHY DOES THIS BURN SO MUCH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF AM I SUPPOSED TO BE GROWING CLAWS WHERE MY HANDS USED LOCATED THIS NEEDS CLEANED OFF ME NOW OH MY GOD NOW I’M STARTING TO IGNORE THE EXISTENCE OF TRANSITIVE VERBS JUST LIKE THE LOCALS AAAAHHHHHHH SWEET GHOST OF WEEB EWBANK TAKE ME NOW END THE PAI-

 WHEN

The other great Yinzer tradition.

Source: Pittsburgh Department of Environment

WHEN: 6:30PM on CBS at Hunt’s Heinz Field. The sun will be down, making this a night game. That’s fine though, since you can’t see the sky anyway. Light will be provided by the soft, green glow of the Three Rivers. Best be careful on your way home, as your chances of survival in Beelzeburgh diminish exponentially every minute past 10PM.

WHY

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Source: Beelzeburgh Hall of Torture

 WHY: It would be oh-so-easy, if the Jets were to lose this game, to say that it was still a successful season, and that we should be proud of back-to-back AFC Championship appearances, and bury the pain in false comfort. Yes, it would be the easy way out and into the offseason.

 But the easy way would suck. Hard. Forget the easy way. Let’s take the easy way and HATE until it screams for mercy.

 We hate the Stillers because that stupid, overrated, poorly-made, sandpapery to the touch Terrible Towel. We hate Stillers because their mascot looks is the most unoriginal creation this side of Kesha. We hate the Stillers because their chant was stolen from little league baseball. We hate the Stillers because their quarterback is the biggest fraud in the league. We hate the Stillers because they claim to hate their quarterback 6 days a week (THERE’S THAT NUMBER AGAIN) and defend him incessantly on Sundays.

 We hate the Beelzeburgh Stillers for standing between us and our first Super Bowl appearance in over 40 years.

 Let the hate feed you, fellow Jets fans. Let it seep into your soul and strengthen you, harden you, steel you. It’s only Monday, and we’ve got five more days to hate hate HATE!